How do you learn not to take things personally?

[helen345]

I am in the middle of reading two self help books (whilst waiting for counselling or just someone to talk to).
One book is about dealing with your anger and how to either stop turning it inwards on yourself (what i do) or turning it outwards and hurting other people. The other is about dealing with low self-esteem.
Both of them mention this, but the one about anger explicitly mentions this - "Imploders need to learn not to take things so personally".
How does one learn not to take things personally? Especially when many comments that are exchanged between people in society, are expressly meant as an observation of your personality. Is it something that you instinctively not do as you gain more self-esteem?
What does everyone else think? I'd be especially interested in hearing from some people who work, or train as counsellors/therapists.

[Jenny]

Hi Helen and welcome to the forum,

I'm not a trained counsellor (not even in training at the moment) but just wanted to reply and let you know that I hear you and your struggles with not taking things personally.

I personally think it's quite a natural thing to do and one that I do often too. But i'm getting better at 'rationalising' things in my head, so if someone says something i am able to think to myself first whether it really was directed towards me, and even if it was, do i really need to take it on board. Sometimes others say things because of their own issues, it doesn't mean we have to bite.. sure some things can be taken as constructive criticism but i get the feeling from your post that you mean it's more on an every day basis that you're taking things personally and getting upset about it?

I wish i had some answers. It probably does have a lot to do with self esteem and, although it sounds cliche, self love. Someone who is happy with themselves (i wonder if these people really exist!?) could maybe be able to accept who they are and not give a damn what others think, and not feel they need others' love to be accepted and worthwhile. But wow who knows how it's possible to get to this space emotionally, and whether it ever truly can be genuine.

So in short i don't know whether this has helped, but i do definitely hear you and wanted to let you know you're not alone.

:arms:
Jenny x

[Old Wolf]

Hi there Helen345,
Before I say any more I will say that what follows is my take on this problem and many people may disagree in part or whole with what I say.
"Taking things personally" has close connections with self-esteem as you allude to in your question. I suppose it arises from the sense that I feel that I am being attacked personally by someone else and sometimes (not always) I am. However, what I have come to realise is that personal attacks are most often used by someone who is them self feeling vulnerable (e.g. low self esteem) as a way of defending themselves.
So, there are two issues here 1) sometimes we are attacked personally by others and 2) sometimes we just feel we are being attacked. In 1) there is a very strong chance (if we are absolutely sure we have done nothing to warrant an attack) that the other person is feeling vulnerable and this is a defensive move on their part that has little to do with us. In 2) I suppose the question to ask is do I expect others to personally blame me, be critical of me, attack me? If the answer to this is generally yes then it may be that past experience, especially in my early years, has taught me to expect such treatment from others. I think that part of the human animal’s (i.e. me) defence is to be on guard, continually watching out for things which threaten to harm or hurt us. If we have experience of being hurt by this form of attack from others it is probably something we will be, unconsciously, on the lookout for. So, an early experience of always being criticised or blamed for being who we are leads to an unconscious perception that we are somehow flawed or sub-standard. This in turn leads to an unconscious expectation that people will always be critical of us and a re-experiencing of that earlier pain.
How to stop? There is no little switch for this that we can simply turn off. However there are three things we can continually, consciously do which can help to change our unconscious perception of our self, 1) You are no more or less flawed or sub-standard than any one else in this world – you are O.K. this is fact – use it as a mantra whenever you can. 2) The opinions of others concerning you, past or present, are no more valid than your own and you have the right to form your own not depend on others for theirs. And 3) those that attack us as a defence against their own pain and insecurity we can empathise with and, interestingly, while you empathise with some one it makes it hard to feel attacked by them. So, it is about consciously recognising the fact that you are no more flawed than any one else and allowing that to seep down into your unconscious and all the time providing a positive balance to the past negative experience and slowly shifting your perception of your self and reducing your expectation that you will be criticised/attacked. One last suggestion: When you next find your self “taking things personally” stop looking at yourself and ask the question “Why is this person attacking/criticising me, have I actually done something wrong or is this really their problem!!
Crikey, don’t I waffle on. Hope something in this lot “talks to you” in a way that helps. You’re O.K.

[Cherrypie]

Well I know this post was for Helen but it certainly talked to me! Thankyou so much Old Wolf, that was pretty wow stuff.

I always take others opinions of myself to be true which is pretty dangerous really as my mood depends on how kind people are.. or are not. I am going to really try to take this on board as it makes so much sense. I imagine its takes time however as maybe some of us who struggle with taking things personally have perhaps been doing it for so long that it has just become a way of being, an instinctive response that requires quite some effort to challenge.

Thankyou, that felt valuable

Cherrypie

[Old Wolf]

Cherrypie,
Glad that you found something of use in it. One thought on the question of time taken to change - if Trauma can be defined as an abrupt and sudden interuption of our normality it follows that if we were to find a way to change things overnight this would itself be traumatic!!!! Change, to be really beneficial, has to take place gradually - each step has to be absorbed and made our own - a process I referr to as "organic" growth.
Anyway, enough of this. Just remember to love and value yourself - as the advert says "you're worth it!"

[helen345]

Hi there Helen345,
Before I say any more I will say that what follows is my take on this problem and many people may disagree in part or whole with what I say.
"Taking things personally" has close connections with self-esteem as you allude to in your question. I suppose it arises from the sense that I feel that I am being attacked personally by someone else and sometimes (not always) I am. However, what I have come to realise is that personal attacks are most often used by someone who is them self feeling vulnerable (e.g. low self esteem) as a way of defending themselves.
So, there are two issues here 1) sometimes we are attacked personally by others and 2) sometimes we just feel we are being attacked. In 1) there is a very strong chance (if we are absolutely sure we have done nothing to warrant an attack) that the other person is feeling vulnerable and this is a defensive move on their part that has little to do with us. In 2) I suppose the question to ask is do I expect others to personally blame me, be critical of me, attack me? If the answer to this is generally yes then it may be that past experience, especially in my early years, has taught me to expect such treatment from others. I think that part of the human animal’s (i.e. me) defence is to be on guard, continually watching out for things which threaten to harm or hurt us. If we have experience of being hurt by this form of attack from others it is probably something we will be, unconsciously, on the lookout for. So, an early experience of always being criticised or blamed for being who we are leads to an unconscious perception that we are somehow flawed or sub-standard. This in turn leads to an unconscious expectation that people will always be critical of us and a re-experiencing of that earlier pain.
How to stop? There is no little switch for this that we can simply turn off. However there are three things we can continually, consciously do which can help to change our unconscious perception of our self, 1) You are no more or less flawed or sub-standard than any one else in this world – you are O.K. this is fact – use it as a mantra whenever you can. 2) The opinions of others concerning you, past or present, are no more valid than your own and you have the right to form your own not depend on others for theirs. And 3) those that attack us as a defence against their own pain and insecurity we can empathise with and, interestingly, while you empathise with some one it makes it hard to feel attacked by them. So, it is about consciously recognising the fact that you are no more flawed than any one else and allowing that to seep down into your unconscious and all the time providing a positive balance to the past negative experience and slowly shifting your perception of your self and reducing your expectation that you will be criticised/attacked. One last suggestion: When you next find your self “taking things personally” stop looking at yourself and ask the question “Why is this person attacking/criticising me, have I actually done something wrong or is this really their problem!!
Crikey, don’t I waffle on. Hope something in this lot “talks to you” in a way that helps. You’re O.K.

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. The advice from Old Wolf really did make some sense to me. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I realise that sometimes I have felt like attacking, and sometimes have attacked people when it's actually me who is feeling vulnerable and backed into a corner or even just felt miserable with myself and it really has got nothing to do with the other person at all. So as well as asking myself each time I feel a comment is personal I will try to remember that, and also when I am feeling upset and about to snap at other people.

[Old Wolf]

Hi Helen,
Glad you got something from my waffle! Attack often feels like the best form of defence - I suppose the next question is "Why do I feel vulnerable?" Sometimes when we are feeling miserable we can become very inward focused i.e. centred on our own misery. At such times it only needs someone to, quite innocently, speak to us and we snap back because it feels as if they have intruded, invaded our internal focus on our misery. however, don't beat yourself up about this - it's purely e defensive reflex - the real question, as before, is "Why do I feel miserable?" Sounds simple but, in fact, both are pretty big questions and often connected. Anyway, enough of this - I hope you have a better day each day!

[mel]

I have not read the other replies to this question yet but I wanted to reply to this comment

Especially when many comments that are exchanged between people in society, are expressly meant as an observation of your personality

When I first started my healing journey I was a member of a few 12 step groups. I later on entered therapy and a few years later I took part in counselling courses.

There is one thing I have learned whilst being in a group and that is:
Whatever is said to me or about me is, yes an observation of my personality, but based in/on the persons blueprint of his/her psyche.

In other words, if someone doesnt know me well at all and judges me, it is most likely that the way s/he sees me is because s/he is either projecting onto me whet s/he feels him/herself. Or s/he is transferring past feelings from other important people/situations onto me. Either way, his/her judgement about me says more about him/her than myself.

But where do I draw the line? I mean, when is it the other person and when am I being a total idiot? When are others 'right' about my behaviour and when is it a defensive protection? I always welcome what people tell me about myself, even the 'nasty stuff' and try to work through it. Either by myself or in therapy.

One of my counselling tutors once told me about the 'gift'. To take everything the other person gives you [verbally] as a gift. If it makes me angry, then there is obviously something inside of me that still needs attention. Something that needs to be heard.
Basically if I want to, I can take everything someone says to me, as a gift, and see how it makes me feel. That truly is a gift for me because it helps me get to know myself.

mel

[Old Wolf]

Hello.....and nicely put.

[mel]

Hello there and Thank You :)