Physical contact in counselling

[Jenny]

Just wondered what your thoughts are on counsellors hugging their clients?

Do you think this could be beneficial and healing for the client... or could it be dangerous for the client with regards to boundaries?

Any thoughts? I have my own but will leave them until a few people have replied lol

[brighteyes]

I think it depends on the client. If they are comfortable with hugs then it is okay as long as the client understands it is an act of comfort or consoling. I think most counselors can read their clients well enough to know if it would cross a boundary with them There have been times mine would ask if I would like a hug and I said yes. There have also been times she asked and I refused. I also think it is important to wait until a good counselor client rapport is established. I would not think it appropriate from the beginning. I also think it may depend on what issues the client is trying to overcome.

[Daisychain]

I think overall it could be dangerous. I know I certainly wouldn't be happy with my therapist hugging me. After suffering from abuse and given my past I wouldn't feel safe with it. Maybe if they wanted to show sympathy they could hold your hand but hugging is a bit much :)

Just my 2 cents...

[RichardW]

depends how attractive they are, lol, sorry i'm being a typical bloke

i'd say if the patient was very distressed (floods of tears let's say), and it seemed appropriate, then it could be ok (a comforting hug can really help), but generally agree i think it could get dangerous. if it happened regularly, then definitely dangerous, but as an appropriate one-off then 'ok'.

[Claire]

I am a very huggy person, well I used to be, these days any sort of physical contact makes me freeze.

Years ago when I done my nursing training we had 1 session at Uni where we looked at physical contact. We were advised not to hug vunerable patients as we didn't know if simple things like that could trigger them or bring back painful memories, because for all we knew their abuser could be hugging them after an attack. This was a session regarding children, I don't know if the same would apply to adults, I guess it would.

Personally, I would feel uncomfortable if my therapist hugged me. Doesn't really seem professional to me. Sometimes she has put her hand on my arm but that's only if I am withdrawing & she is trying to bring me back. I am ok with that.

[sheep]

I love hugs, especially when i fel vunerable. But with a therapist I dont think i would be comfortable. Laying myself so bare to them and them hugging me, i just wouldn't be ok with that. I'm not sure why.
I think I would feel kind of violated.. :unsure:

[Jenny]

I do see how getting hugs could seem nurturing and healing. I was in therapy for 2 years and craved a hug for a very long time.. then one day my therapist offered me a hug. I thought it was the most amazing and magical thing that ever happened.. to be honest i never thought anyone would want to hug me, let alone my counsellor. So i accepted and she gave me a hug and it was just magical.

But in hindsight i think it was very painful and dangerous. In every subsequent session i craved more hugs.. i had always thought that hugs were a no no in therapy, but now i knew it was possible. In later sessions when i was upset and she didn't offer me a hug it hurt more than anything.. i guess you could say i pushed my boundaries and tried to get her to hug me again, but she never did.

In the end i pushed the boundaries a bit too much (long story) and my therapy ended badly, and i do believe the hug had something to do with it. I'm not blaming her or anything but i do feel that if a hug is offered/given in counselling it needs to be spoken about. The counsellor needs to ask whether the client wants one.. and if so, what does it represent.. how did it feel.. etc etc.

After my experience i I personally now feel that a counsellor shouldn't hug a client. I think there are other ways to 'hold' a client, i.e. emotionally hold them. In my view physical contact isn't necessary and just blurs boundaries. Of course that's just based on my bad experience post-hug!

[sheep]

In every subsequent session i craved more hugs.. i had always thought that hugs were a no no in therapy, but now i knew it was possible. In later sessions when i was upset and she didn't offer me a hug it hurt more than anything.. i guess you could say i pushed my boundaries and tried to get her to hug me again, but she never did.


that why i think it would be a bad thing. i'd get a paranoia about why she didnt hug me there after, was it a bad hug, do i smell etc. stupid things, and then i'd be angry she didnt, like she was rejecting me. so i wouldnt be able for it

[Jenny]

That's exactly it Sheep.. although it was magical at the time it then proved very painful. I think if a counsellor is going to hug, then it really needs to be talked about before/after. After a few months I was able to tell my counsellor about my feelings after the hug but even then we didn't really talk about it.. but it was too late by then anyway as our relationship was coming to an end. But yes, i really believe it's important for counsellors to be aware of the impact it could have.. it seems like such a nice thing to do, but there's so much that could be brought up from it in the client.

[Fluffy Flowers]

This is a really dodgy subject for me. I had physical contact with a previous therapist, however, my current therapist believes she abused the boundaries and shouldn't have done that. She said that she might want to hug me, but wouldn't because it can blur the lines. At the time I thought the hug was a good thing, but with hindsight it really screwed me and the relationship up because the therapist couldn't always be that for me, and in the end she hurt me badly and I ended therapy with her.

I often crave a hug from my current therapist, but if it came down to it, I don't think I would want it.

[Cherrypie]

This is a really interesting topic for me as I sometimes feel envious when I hear of people being hugged in their counselling sessions. Its crossed my mind that maybe I am repulsive or unlovable that my counsellor has not hugged me. One time though when I was sobbing in front of my counsellor he moved his feet closer to mine and I could sense his closeness, that oddly felt like a hug.

In reality, although I have felt isolated at times by the total lack of contact, not even hand holding, I know deep down its better that I have not been hugged. I have issues of erotic transference towards my counsellor so any sign of physical contact would have been, to be honest would still be, a minefield. I have no doubt that with the best of intentions I would see it as sexual.

One time my therapist let me stay much longer and that caused a similar reaction to the other poster that said that from then on they wanted more. I felt rejected and unloved when I got my usual time the next week which is often just over a full hour anyway. I tried lots of ways to extend the time once I knew it was a possibility. A hug one week and not the next would send me insane! More so than usual! I appreciate that the sexualising of physical contact is my issue but I feel my therapist is protecting me by keeping physically remote.

[Jenny]

Hi Cherrypie and welcome to the forum :)

I can totally relate.. it's kind of like, at first i always thought a hug in counselling was a definite no-no and just not possible. But as soon as I knew it was possible, i wanted more.. and more. Like your situation with the extension of the therapy time, i would push and push hoping to receive the same again, but when it didn't happen it hurt more.

I too always thought that receiving a hug in therapy would be incredibly healing and i won't try to hide the fact that i loved the hug itself. I too always thought i was repulsive and that no one would want to hug/touch me, let alone my counsellor. But even though it was amazing, the pain afterwards made it all not worth it. When i tried to talk to my therapist about it her reply was simply "well, i hug all my clients". That hurt too, as not only was the hug not special to me, but she somehow missed the pain that the blurring of the boundaries caused me.

Anyway, i look forward to seeing you around the forum, if you want :) x

[TDM]

Interesting topic. At school, I think that hugs from teachers are fine. But not counsellors. I think that it's a no no because its a different sort of relationship. And as has been said you always want more - it happened to me too.