Do you have to like your therapist?

[summer_rain]

So those who have read my other post know ive recently finished with my counselor and I'm looking at hypnotherapy to deal with my childhood feelings.
Question I want to talk about... obviously with person centered counseling its important that the client and counselor can 'jell' like a hypnotherapist pointed out to me today--- a counselor needs to be show the client unconditional positive regard. But what about when its not that kind of relationship--- like in hypnotherapy. Ive seen a hypnotherapist today and spoken to another, they both has a few different ideas, are different rates but were both quite arrogant in their approach.
My question is --- when it comes to this type of therapy does you personally feel that it matters whether or not you 'like' your therapist? Or do they just need to be able to understand you and help you?

[IndieSoul]

I think it's always important that you like your therapist, because you can then help them to understand you better.

:weee:

[Katmandu40]

I'd have to agree...but then again, you can't always go by first impressions. When I first started seeing my therapist, she seemed pretty cold and very distant. That changed as she got to know me and I got to know her. I've been with her for 16 years now!!

[TDM]

It would definitely help to like the person. It'd make their job and your job much easier if you like them.

TDM

[Daisychain]

I think yes,definitely. I can't imagine opening up to someone I didn't like.

[Jenny]

I guess it would help but then again it would also be interesting to go to someone who you don't instantly feel a liking to - i know it may sound strange but i wonder what makes us 'not like' someone? Is it past experiences, like that person reminds us of someone in our past?? If it could be worked through and our thinking challenged it could be quite growthful?

[andyhp]

I guess if I was going for hypnotherapy then 'liking' wouldn't be an issue whereas trust certainly would be.

Looking at the posts has made me think. Most of the emphasis in training, or at least in mine, seemed to dwell on 'our' feelings to our clients and pay scant regard to looking at things from 'the other side'. "Do we have to like our clients?" was the question. Respect does not equal liking, the universal reply. Do you have to like us though? It would seem that from the replies so far...yes, or at least it helps.

As for first impressions. well there does seem a commonly accepted 'rule' that we shouldn't go off first impressions. Why not though? Nietzsche said something like "we know all we need to know about someone within the first 5minutes and then we spend the rest of the time we know them trying to deny this". Somewhere in the middle perhaps?

[Fluffy Flowers]

I agree that trust would be the major factor, for me, in hypnotherapy, moreso than like, but they are possibly intertwined.

ETA, I was thinking about this earlier. I couldn't stand my current therapist when we first started, and it took a good few weeks before we found a way to work togethr, and then we worked together fine for a while, so it can take time to build a relationship. It may just be these people appeared badly in whatever way it was you have been in contact with them (for example some people are really useless on the phone) and that might not be what they are really like.

[Jenny]

"Do we have to like our clients?"

Woah I never thought of it that way round before!! I guess there is an element of that in it too.. i mean, if a therapist didn't like their client then that would also cause problems eh! I guess the therapist would need to take it to supervision and really think about what it is about the client that they 'dislike'.. is it because of similarities to people they know, for example.

I guess this 'unconditional positive regard' is easy to say but may not be that easy to implement in reality. And if a therapist doesn't like their client i would imagine the client would pick up on this, and it could well get in the way of the relationship etc. But then i wonder if the therapist would need to be honest and open about things.. bring it out in the open and work through it with the client!? Or maybe if the relationship will not work to the benefit of the client then i guess the therapist would need to end the relationship?

Just thinking outloud really.. as i've never thought of it this way before! Which is strange because i always was worried my therapist would "hate me".. but i guess i knew deep down she didn't. :)

[andyhp]

Woah I never thought of it that way round before!! I guess there is an element of that in it too.. i mean, if a therapist didn't like their client then that would also cause problems eh! I guess the therapist would need to take it to supervision and really think about what it is about the client that they 'dislike'.. is it because of similarities to people they know, for example.

I guess this 'unconditional positive regard' is easy to say but may not be that easy to implement in reality. And if a therapist doesn't like their client i would imagine the client would pick up on this, and it could well get in the way of the relationship etc. But then i wonder if the therapist would need to be honest and open about things.. bring it out in the open and work through it with the client!? Or maybe if the relationship will not work to the benefit of the client then i guess the therapist would need to end the relationship?

Just thinking outloud really.. as i've never thought of it this way before! Which is strange because i always was worried my therapist would "hate me".. but i guess i knew deep down she didn't. :)

I suppose I should say that while 'most' approaches would have 'something like' upr as a value the term originates in one approach, Person-Centred. For me, or for my approach, respect is the similar term.
As you've highlighted upr is easy to say but difficult to hold to in reality. Not liking a client can of course be something to take to supervision as, like boredom in another thread, it can have many causes and facets and if that 'not liking' is going to adversely affect the therapy for the client then maybe the therapy needs to end and a referral made.

It raises so many questions though doesn't it? Can we detach the behaviour from the person? I may not like someone's behaviour but can I still respect the person? Is there a 'limit' to this...can I work with a rapist even though it's one who wants to 'change'? If respect/upr does truly not equal liking then why is 'liking' (and being liked!) so important as it seems to be from this thread? Why can't we dislike each other yet still be respectful and work together? It may not be supposed to matter but in reality it ceratinly seems to! Also, (praise be to editing!) why does 'not like' seem to equal 'dislike'...what about what's in between?

Something else comes up for me reading this thread again. We all, including me, seem concerned about not liking someone from the start and wonder if it's because we are 'reminded' of someone we know now or someone from our past yet, we don't seem to question liking someone from the start in the same way. Is it possibly because dislike is an 'unpleasant' feeling/thought and so it needs explaining or justifying whereas liking is 'nice' and therefore needs no explaining/justifying? Carrying on further with this...is saying 'I don't like you' more 'acceptable' if we can then add 'but it's not you it's because you remind me of someone/someone in my past'? This 'adding' wouldn't even need to be said, it may only have to exist in our minds. It still may 'let us off the hook' for the feeling and the responsibility for having that feeling.

[summer_rain]

Wow my question sparked much debate :)

This might be a good way to offer my changing viewpoint on needing to like a therapist by explaining what happened next. I booked another session to see the hypnotherapist and noticed that I didn't take much notice of the appointment details (probably that it itself showing I wasn't bothered as id normally put it in my phone calender straight away).
In the end I spoke to my old counselor about him and something about the appointment didn't feel right so I rung him and honestly said I didn't know if it was important to like your therapist and that I felt he came across arrogant etc. He took it very well ( my counselor was always good at not letting personal emotions show so I could always be very honest with her without fear of upsetting her etc)--- but he started to defend himself and then I knew Id realised he wasn't the right guy for me, but we parted on good terms.
So I guess for me not liking my therapist was important because it stopped the relationship from going any further.
Thanks for all the discussion peps, keep it up ;) its always good to hear different ideas and viewpoints :)

[IndieSoul]

[QUOTE=andyhp;3204]I guess if I was going for hypnotherapy then 'liking' wouldn't be an issue whereas trust certainly would be.

Looking at the posts has made me think. Most of the emphasis in training, or at least in mine, seemed to dwell on 'our' feelings to our clients and pay scant regard to looking at things from 'the other side'. "Do we have to like our clients?" was the question. Respect does not equal liking, the universal reply. Do you have to like us though? It would seem that from the replies so far...yes, or at least it helps.[QUOTE]

I've never thought about it that way...I've wondered before if my counselor likes me, but I've been too afraid to bring it up.

Edit: Oops, I somehow messed up the quote part.

[ell]

I think it's very important to like your therapist. I dunno if she likes me though...maybe I'll ask her. I think she does.