Why choose to help yourself?

[summer_rain]

Id be really interested to hear people's point of view on this.
I went into therapy at 18--- having only ever really had my parents impact (no siblings) id obviously obtained much of my advice and guidance from them.
When I went into therapy I became aware (and she noted this too) that in therapy we learn to become our own internal therapists... I came to realise that if I had a mental thought I would often hear my therapists voice in order to understand and sort out the situation---- I always just accepted this as 'right' but now im questioning it.

I know that I went into therapy because I was depressed and unhappy and I believe Ive witnessed people who went into therapy but didn't 'do the homework' and as a result their therapy did not work for them--- so we need to 'do the work' in order for it to work.

To look at it from a Transactional Ananlysis point of view--- it is ok to 'choose' to change the way you think and feel--- for example I was never really asked how I felt as a child and when asked I could reply 'i feel shit'... when I went into therapy I was encouraged to look at the 'feeling' and from then on I could deal with why I felt that way...
I guess my question is--- why do you think its acceptable to choose to change the way you look at things and does that make it right?

Thanks.

[Katmandu40]

Hmmm...Well, I'm not exactly sure I understand your question, but here it goes. I think it's acceptalbe to change the way you look at things if the way you are looking at things is in a very distorted mannor. Like, for instance, I look at things in a very negative way and seldom see the positive in different situations. Is that right or wrong? It's neither, but it is distorted. I would be a much happier person if I saw more positives or even grey areas (I see the world as black or white...no grey area or tend to).

[Old Wolf]

Hi Summer Rain,

EDIT - Everything I wrote here got lost - I've no idea where it's gone so I'll have to try again later!!!! Sorry about that.
BW,
Old Wolf

[Old Wolf]

Hi Summer Rain,
I'm back with those thoughts I "lost" earlier though it could be that you will wish they had stayed "lost" as they wander about quite a bit!!!

I think this is quite a complex question and in order to give my own answer to it I will need to outline my view of individual human development. In order to illustrate this I intend to draw parallels with the production of a computer. Of necessity this will be a very simplified view.
When we are born we are not unlike a computer as it comes off the production line but before it has any programming. We are hungry for information – who am I, what am I, where am I? only without the language to ask such questions. We do have feelings and store our early experiences as emotive memories in the unconscious – our equivalent of “basic machine code”. In order to think and store thoughts we need a language, a way of interacting and communicating with that which is not me i.e. the world beyond self. So the next stage is to learn to communicate, i.e. load “Windows”. We are still hungry for knowledge and accept that which is around us as our norm – it becomes the normality we grow up with. We are still feeding into the unconscious (and always will to some extent all of our lives) but a new awareness is growing, our conscious is developing. However we still do not have sufficient knowledge to question what is presenting itself to us as normality and just keep on soaking it up as it is! Now we begin to load/develop other “programmes” – language, walking, balance, coordination etc.etc.
At this point I would like to say that I don’t see the unconscious and conscious as separate things but more as different points on a continuum – first there is the unconscious end and out of this grows differing degrees of consciousness as we develop.
In these early days we are not consciously aware of our unconscious or the fact that it is still influencing our responses to the world at large. We are still gathering knowledge and information and storing it in memory. There is a growing amount stored and soon we are able to have internal thought and debate and begin to question the reality we are conscious of – we learn we can say no (if we are allowed to that is !) – we begin to voice what we want etc.etc. This reorganisation of the material we have just been soaking up is still very limited and very much in the here and now conscious area.
As we grow all three areas, “basic machine code”, “windows” and various “programmes” are continually added to and modified by what life presents us with but limited by the interpretation that our “programming” provides – a sort of circle where how something new is understood is governed by what is already understood!! Our ability to question increases also in line with the knowledge we have stored. By the time we are teenagers our reaching for independence leads us to review and question all that we know in order, we think, to become individuals in our own right – rebellion and angst!! However, what we don’t realise is how much our perception of who we are is governed by all that early “machine code” input stored in the unconscious without any questioning of its validity but simply accepting it as “normal”.
It is here that the results of any earlier flaws in the “programming” begin to rear their heads. As an example lets just say that we grow up continuously being told we are totally useless, “no good to man nor beast!” Then that is what is stored in our “machine code” and in our “windows” and we can only ever interpret life in those terms. If someone offers to do something for us we won’t think "that’s nice of them” we are more likely to think “they don’t think I can do it. I’m just useless”
However, as adults or even young adults we can be encouraged to question the validity of the early “Programming” and understand the effect it may have had on us – change what can be changed, understand and learn to live with that which cannot. If we recognise that virtually all of our early “programming” is only other peoples interpretation of the norm not the one and only truth then it is obvious that we have a right, if not an obligation, to revue it. Just because our parents, for whatever reason, and there are no doubt many, told us we are useless doesn’t mean it is true. It is never easy to begin such questioning after all, when we are small, our parents are like GODS – they must have it right…..don’t they?
As an adult I can understand (and do firmly believe) that we are all born of equal value. Our subsequent “programming” may convince us otherwise but it is all only the opinions of other (very often flawed themselves) individuals and the validity of any of it can and should be questioned if it is hindering our progress and making us less than happy with who we are.
As adults this reflective practice is a normal part of our lives – our conscience continually leads us to reflect on what we do. However, the unconscious is not easily accessed from within our selves and this is where the most basic flaws often reside. This is where good therapy can help. Someone other than our self can spot the signs of such flaws being present where we struggle to do so and can direct us as to where to look. We can then begin to explore these areas and when we come to realise that the underlying assumption is wrong we can limit the effect it has on us in the present and change how we see ourselves for the better.
So, to the original question – you said “why do you think it’s acceptable to choose to change the way you look at things and does that make it right?” I think it is acceptable, no, essential to question how we look at things if we are to truly know and love who we are and that, in turn, is essential if we are to lead a full and meaningful life. If in the last part you are asking if we can ever know what is universally right I’m not sure any more if there is such a thing – I used to think there was but as the years have passed I have come to realise that we can only do that which we honestly believe to be right after due internal deliberation – external stuff is, after all, only what other people believe is right!!!
I hope this gives you something. I would also like to thank you for giving me the opportunity to air my views (opinions) and, perhaps, also apologise for being so long winded in doing so.
Going now….
BW,
Old Wolf

[Katmandu40]

:doh: yeah, what he said!! I guess the question went totally over my head...but I really enjoyed your response Old Wolf! Made me think!

[andyhp]

I guess my question is--- why do you think its acceptable to choose to change the way you look at things and does that make it right?

I think it's 'acceptable' as long as it is truly you who is doing 'the choosing'. I guess though we would all have to question how autonomous we really are when making some choices. No-one is an island as the saying goes and nothing, including us, exists in isolation so both 'others' and other things may affect our choices.

For me the 'does that make it right?' part of your question raises other questions that impact on the 'rightness' or otherwise. How are you going to change the way you see things? Why are you trying to do this? Simply, for me, if we try to change or control 'what' we think (the content) then we are 'on a loser'. Thought control/modification rarely works. Similarly and potentially worse is when thought content control spills into control of emotions e.g. I feel depressed/unhappy again and I don't want to feel that so I will get rid of the feeling, I will 'solve' my depression/unhappiness. Attempting to 'solve' emotions is draining and ultimately pointless. Avoiding emotions/unpleasant thoughts/ memories as a form of control doesn't work either. We may tuck them away temporarily but they will be back to 'bite you on the ass'! Emotions, whatever they are, are a part of being human and cannot be solved.

So, 'wrong' for me would be trying to control or change 'what' I was thinking and trying to avoid any experience/feeling because it was painful/upsetting. 'Right' for me would be changing 'the relationship' I have with my thoughts and not trying to change their content and being open to, and accepting of, all my experience/feelings whatever they be.

It's all only the way I look at things though!!

[summer_rain]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies. I'm starting to believe that that really was my lowest point. I think I thought if I questioned therapy (i.e sabotaging) then I would be free to go back to my dysfunctional family-- but ive come too far.

When I asked my counselor about it she pointed out that I seemed to need 'validation'. Thankfully I went to a counseling course the other day and it reinforced what I knew in my heart already, similar to you said OldWolf (thanks), I think we are all given a blank sheet when we are born and then fed outside information--- alot of this can be harmful but not everyone chooses to change it (except us brave people;))--- if you are unhappy its your right to look at why and what crap you picked up as you grew up.


I guess its not a matter of changing or whats 'right'--- its just perfectly acceptable (as Katmandu pointed out, thanks) to change things when the view is 'distorted'---- like my counsellor says, in an ideal world we would all be born knowing we were beautiful and equal but its not an ideal world and some of us need to clear that crap in order to have the life we deserve.
Thanks again guys.