self disclosure

[Jenny]

How much should a counsellor disclose to their client?

How much is helpful for the client and what type of information isn't?

My ex counsellor didn't disclose much.. in fact i know very little about her. Although there was some want in me to find out more about her, i also appreciated not knowing anything about her.. she remained somewhat mysterious to me and really, i don't see how it could have helped me to know about her life.. i was there for me, not her.

At one point she did tell me that many years ago she had felt suicidal.. i think she told me so that i could see that she understood/could empathise.. but in all honesty i'm not sure how i feel knowing that my own counsellor felt suicidal in the past! In one way it was comforting to know that she once hated herself (i imagine).. it was comforting to know she had worked through her issues enough to be a counsellor... but there was a part of me shouting "i don't wanna know that!".. i can't quite put my finger on why, but i do remember a feeling of unease.

How much do you know about your counsellor? And how do you feel about this?

[Cherrypie]

I am reminded of that saying...Be careful what you wish for...you just might get it..

I can understand your uneasiness with your counsellors disclosure Jenny as perhaps in your eyes she was there to be and probably often was strong for you and so the information must have been unsettling as it shifts the view..

I think when I went into counselling as far as I was concerned the counsellor was an expert.. My own counsellor told me about his therapy and I found that unsettling... Is a mad person counselling me?? Is he fixed now? My own prejudices about counselling came up despite being in it! I knew I was not stable but I certainly expected him to be.. For goodness sake I needed him to be!!

Its like when I first heard my father swear?? Like he suddenly became a more rounded and whole person!! The problem with that is I then realised that ah... so he is not always good and right.. and maybe sometimes what he says is not the ABSOLUTE way of the world... Oh dear...what now..

Is it a good thing?? To a limited degree I think.. if its relevant and helpful for the client then it can be a really good thing..so mostly yes in my opinion.. Its good to realise that the counsellor is human..not an expert..and good to know they may have travelled a similar road to us and even better to know its survivable!

xCherrypie

[Cherrypie]

One thing I have not addressed seriously enough though is also to say that although I do feel it can be a good thing that sometimes I have found the self disclosure from my therapist has been quite strangely disorientating so it does need to be done with care and with the clients best interests at the heart of it..

I have just remembered another time when I questioned as to where my therapist was going on holiday. When I found out it was to an absolute stunning paradise resort I was quite unexpectedly floored..I thought he was going to say camping as without realising it I had already created a vision in my head and it just broke in bits at that point.. I had made huge assumptions from the minute details I had..perhaps from his car, his clothing, his manner and consequently got it all completely and utterly wrong..

Curiosity certainly smacked this cat in the face and I had to completely rethink about how I saw him.. This small self disclosure actually made me aware of how little I really did know and was in some ways a little scary.

xCherrypie

[Jenny]

Yes and i wonder what it was in you that needed to know where your counsellor was going on holiday.. i know i once saw a counsellor who had so many books in her room sitting just behind her so it was pretty hard not to keep glancing at them. There were so many travel books on the shelf that i found myself looking at them and imaging where she'd been etc. even judging how much money she must make in order to afford all the holidays!

I've never asked my counsellors any personal questions as I fear the whole rejection thing.. that's just me though. If they self disclose then it's totally their own doing and i totally agree that while it can be helpful to a certain extent in some ways, it can also stir up different things.

Do you see your counsellor in his/her home? I'm just thinking that this is the ultimate self disclosure isn't it. I mean, you can see so much of a counsellor's home.. their car.. their drive way.. the area they live in etc. You can even google their area and see how much their house must be worth etc! I know it isn't personal disclosure about the counsellor individually but it is disclosure about their lifestyle.

It's difficult really huh because afterall counsellors are human (ha i keep saying that) and have personalities.. of course these things will slip in whether consciously or unconciously but maybe it's just important to explore them with the client

[Cherrypie]

I asked about the holiday because I always ask...I can't stop asking I need to know everything!! I feel left out and sad if he doesn't share...which of course happens a lot... I am not a 'good' client at all and being a trainee I should know better..

I think I positively look for and seek out the rejection to save me waiting ..because of course I know its there somewhere..its just a matter of time :) oh dear...

The house thing was a major, major self disclosure issue yes! We used to meet at a neutral rented office venue then after a year moved to a home office which is at the end of the garden.. I couldn't contenplate it for a while as I was actually really very scared as it was so personal and I knew it would be an overload of information but of course I was also so intrigued all at the same time.. Curiosity took over again and I eventually asked to go there instead..The first session was very intense and I felt like I wanted to go around the room touching everything and reading all the books on the shelf..although it was fairly neutral it was still an aladdins cave for a curious girl!

Again too..my illusions were shattered and the wealth I had been unaware of at the start was confirmed...Oh my goodness..wow wow wow.. I did struggle with feeling inferior for a while and with feeling the inequality of our lives but again its been an issue good for discussion. Overall its been a fantastic move.. Its such a beautiful and calm space. I feel very lucky to have experienced it and I am very glad I moved.. I also of course felt quite honoured and trusted to be allowed there in the place where he lives with his family.

xCherrypie

[TDM]

i dont know... i'm a bit iffy about self disclosure. my counsellor gave me an open invitation to stay at her house should the need ever arise (because in the past i've had issues with homelessness)... but to be honest i dont know if i'd ever take her up on it... it'd just seem a bit weird, you know? and no, it seems like she actually means it, because she gave me her home number, and address and everything.

and it's not always a good thing, because i discovered that if i ever didn't want to talk about something, i'd just ask her about her, like, her kids, her cat, etc etc, and she readily tells me all kinds of things about her kids, and once she mentioned another one of the students she sees. and although she didn't tell me the kids name, she gave me enough information to narrow it down to who it was (i dont think she realised how well i know the students at my school).

i dont think she ever cottoned onto it either, because she never brought it up, and i haven't either. but that said, i haven't seen her for a few months now. prolly should, come to think of it.

anyway, i'm rambling, so i'll stop now.

TDM

[Steve]

Unfortunately there isn't a simple 'yes or no' as to whether or not a counsellor should self disclose.

Appropriate self disclosure may encourage a client to self disclose in return e.g. the client may feel that the counsellor truly understands them because they have had a similar life experience(s), and therefore feels more comfortable talking about that experience(s). In other words it has increased the level of empathy.

However, self disclosure can also remove the focus from the client, particularly if the counsellor self discloses too often and in too much detail. It is therefore important that the disclosures reflect the needs of the client, not of the counsellor, and never involves the counsellor’s own issues.

Most humanistic therapies consider counsellor self disclosure to be acceptable, within the boundaries mentioned above, but in psychoanalysis it is not. Psychoanalyists believe self disclosure gets in the way of the client’s journey towards working through their transference.

[shrinknightmare]

The first counsellor I saw used to tell me heaps of things. I knew where she lived in the past, where she moved to. The breeds of dogs she had owned, her cats name, some of her hobbies. What her mother was like, she told me she got grounded for dying her hair, and that her mother didn't make her eat all her vegetables. I know she worked out at a gym. Where she went for her holiday and what she did on her holiday. What sort of luggage she took etc. A lot of the stuff she volunteered.

The current shrink doesn't say much about herself. She went away for a holiday recently and I asked her where she was going, because I like to travel. When she got back I asked how her holiday went. I dont ask her very much about herself. Once I told her how I ran someone down in my car (they ran in front of my car and he wasn't hurt) then she told me how she knocked someone down in her car.