Exchanging gifts in the counselling relationship.

[Cherrypie]

Are you a client and have you ever given a gift to your therapist? What was it and how was it received?

Are you a therapist and have you ever received a gift from a grateful client? Or ever refused a gift even? Maybe you have rules about gifts in your client contract.

I know this is a tricky subject in counselling for some. My current personal view is that because everything in the room has meaning even gifts can teach us important things about ourselves or the relationship so I wonder if a refusal can not only offend but can also be a lost opportunity. I feel the discussion around the gift can bring new awareness or perhaps even create a new avenue to explore. I feel small tokens exchanged on special occasions (and mainly from client to therapist) are ok and as long as they are addressed and discussed openly and can in fact often be important symbols in the relationship.

I have personaly given my therapist a book on one occassion and a poem on another.. I have received a book and a christmas card and even that simple gesture created an important sessions work. I would be really interested to hear about your experience and perhaps differing view.

xCherrypie

[Jenny]

I've never given a therapist a present for my own personal selfish reasons! I figure i'm the one paying them for their "services" so why should i give them a present as well!? At Christmas my ex counsellor never even got a card from me.. not only would i have found it extremely hard to choose one, and write.. but why should i!?

For me, personally, giving a present to my ex counsellor would mean me being somewhat.. i don't know the word.. but "lower" than her if you know what i mean. I mean, there's no chance in hell that she would ever give me a card or anything so why should i give her one!? I know you don't give in order to receive etc etc but i just don't like the idea of showing her how much she means to me through a phsyical gift and not getting anything in return, and even risk having it be rejected! I couldn't stand the thought of her saying she couldn't accept it!!!!! What a smack in the teeth, although i understand the boundaries and guidelines behind it.

Wow, who would have thought that something could raise so much self thinking and self awareness huh!

:brainfart:

[Cherrypie]

Sorry to spark so much off for you Jenny!! :weee:

I am suprised by your post actually because I know you did have a good relationship with your therapist so I understand how you feel now and it would not be appropriate of course but I was more thinking about when you were in it.. or had it ended differently maybe you may have wanted to give something at the end? I find your point about you paying her and so that being an issue against it quite intriguing..really interesting how differently we view it..

Its probably really personal and thats what I meant about it being a good point of therapy as I feel the gift, the type, the timing, even the wrapping maybe often says much about the giver. In Japan I believe the most important part of a present is the wrapping and presentation..

I just had a thought and its tied in with that book love languages..not sure if you know of it but it says people show their love in five main different ways and some people show their love by giving gifts..so maybe thats why I felt I needed to give a gift?

xcherrypie

[andyhp]

Great thread!

I have been given quite a few gifts and cards from clients and to date I have not refused any. It's interesting that one organisation I work for doesn't allow therapists to accept gifts and as yet I have never been offered one by a client of that organisation. I've received cards (allowed) but not gifts. As far as I'm aware clients of that organisation are not aware of that rule (it's not in the contract - perhaps it should be).

My governing body does have a price limit on gifts (£30 I think) but as yet I've not been offered anything that seemed to me to be in danger of breaking that rule. I'm glad because I would rather avoid having to ask someone how much something was. I'm also 'advised' not to accept anything 'innappropriate' or 'overly personal' in nature. They obviously don't try to define exactly what this means and so far I've not felt my boundaries were being broken or even pushed. I guess I would recognise them if offered!

As with many things in the psychotherapy world there are differing meanings and significances attached to gifts by different approaches. On a purely personal level I've been deeply touched by every gift or card I've received. I've also at different times and to different degrees felt surprised, sad, honoured and even amused (by the intentionally funny gift or card not the act). I've also, of course, worked with clients where no gift or card was offered and I don't feel that has 'detracted' or lessened anything and I can truly say I don't expect or wish for gifts. As far as I can recall I've always received gifts at the end of our relationship and so any opportunity to talk about them has been limited. I'm not so sure I would have wanted to talk things through that much even if there had been chance. It's seemed that the gift/card was given in thanks or appreciation (clients words) and while there may be 'more' than this it's not felt necessary to look for what may not be there.

As for whether being paid has made any difference I can't see it has. I've had gifts and cards from private clients in I think about an equal ratio (Ive not been counting!) to those received where the therapy was paid for by someone other than the client.

I won't go into details but I can say I have given cards to clients for various reasons but not gifts.

Cherrypie...what are the other 4 ways of showing love...I'm intrigued!

[Jenny]

It is a great thread.. so much so that I dreamt about the content of this thread last night! I dreamt that I was seeing my ex counsellor again and had loads of gifts for her to show her how much she means to me! :gy:

Anyway re-reading my reply above I hear the anger in it and i think i need to point out that this is just my feelings as they stand now, after a rather bad ending with my ex counsellor. It's true that even during our 2 years together I never offered her anything other than her weekly cheque and i could never see myself offering a counsellor anything other than their cheque to be honest.. even if i did ever manage to have a proper 'good' ending!

I need to get ready for work now but am sure thinking about this thread a lot.. i keep thinking that it's such a personal thing isn't it, dependent on past experiences, etc. Argh i think i need to go back to the couch!!

[Katmandu40]

I've given my shrink gifts on occasions and since finding out when her birthday is, a birthday card every year. She used to try to analize the gift which annoyed me no end!! It's just a gift!! Just to show my appreciation!! When I gave her a gift another time, I said, "It's just a gift, no need to analize it to death!" Usually, the gift is something small and silly...like I might bring back a tacky gift for her from a vacation...for fun and let's her know I was thinking of her. She has never refused a gift. We have talked about more serious gifts (keep in mind I've seen my shrink for 16 years and in all that time I've given her maybe 5 or 6 real gifts).

[Cherrypie]

Thankyou for sharing that katmandu40.

I am really interested to hear you were annoyed by her analysing your gift.. like maybe it spoils it somehow.. I do analyse things a lot but I get what you say here. I have discussed some thing in therapy to a point where it seems it has been ruined by the over analysing of it.. gone dead and grey with all the disection.. Some things are maybe just best left as they appear..

Hi Andy, as regards other love languages there are

Acts of service
Physical touch
Words of affirmation
Gifts
Quality time..

On the website (just google love languages) you can do a quick quiz and see how you primarily feel/show your love in relationship.. The problem in relationships may be that if the other persons language is different, your display of love will not be understood or felt. Your partner may be loving you in his own language (by doing the wallpapering for example - act of service) but you feel unloved because you give and expect words of affirmation such as 'I love you'.. Its an interesting concept that I think can be helpful for couples to explore..and maybe help them to see they are being loved when maybe they don't realise it and perhaps start to learn one anothers language!

xcherrypie

[andyhp]

Thanks for that Cherrypie I will put myself to the sword... I mean test!...and see how I 'am'. Interesting as you say, how often do people say something like 'you don't show you love me' and the answer is something like 'what do you mean look at all the things I do for you'.

Back to gifts.

"It's just a gift, no need to analize it to death!" (Katmandu 40)

I have discussed some things...to a point where it seems it has been ruined by the over analysing.. gone dead and grey with all the disection.. Some things are maybe just best left as they appear.. (Cherrypie)

I must say I do agree with you both. I don't believe that everything is always as it appears on the surface but many times things just are. I think that sometimes things can be disected and pulled apart to the point that they cease to have meaning anymore.

[shrinknightmare]

I gave my first counsellor a christmas card, but sent it through the internal mail as was too embarassed to give it to her in person.

When she left, I gave her a card and a little present to say thank you, again I handed I left it at the desk and had it in an envelope inside another envelope inside a box. Just a bit of fun. I sent her a beanie and a neck warmer because I noticed that she felt the cold. THe card had a picture of a big cat on the front and when I saw her next I could see it displayed in her office. She told me I was "nuts" but thanked me anyway. I like the surprise factor.

I did this just to say thanks and not expecting anything back.

My current shrink I also just sent a christmas card in the mail to her and the receptionist. I think receptionists are often under valued.

Yes they were analysed. The shrink said my card was very "me". In the card I drew an outline of my hand, because in the past I had told her to talk to the hand, when she was going on about my eating habits. She got a great laugh out of the card.

[geri]

what a brillant thread. this has been something i have pondered on myself. as a therapist i have received gifts and cards normally at christmas. the policy where i work was that the gift had to be left in the centre. i kept the cards and was incredibly touched by the meaning in them. on the other hand as a client myself i have never felt the need to gift my therapist, a bit like jenny i have alwaysthought the gift of my money weekly was enough for my therapist!!!!!!!different strokes for different folks.

[mary]

I gave my T a small gift in appreciation of acknowledging his compassion or his way of seeing i needed help and he gave it to me without me asking really. It was just my way of saying thanks as i never really got that kind of help before.