The Psych is triggering me!

[shrinknightmare]

My daughter died a couple of years ago, suicide. Work sent me off to see a shrink so I could get back to full duties. I have been feeling very suicidal myself, grief issues and being bullied at work, I was also harassed by the media at the time of her death. I am below average in the looks department and have always been picked on about it. My brother would always say to me, you are the type of person nobody really likes etc.

I have always felt that I never belong. I have people at work that say hello to me and chat and laugh with me, but it never goes any further than that.

I compete in a sport, and needed someone to help me with driving to get to the next competition, no one wanted to help me. I was really looking forward to it, and the next comp isn't until October!!! One lady was in the way, while I was at practice, and stopped me from being able to perform, I asked her to move, she said no, so I had to go home, as I couldn't do anymore with her in the way. We had voting for an award, and I think even though in my sport I perform very well and rarely make a mistake, I got no votes, but other people did who make lots of mistakes did get votes.

So you can imagine a feeling of "nobody likes me, nobody wants to help" etc.

Now the shrink is saying things to me like, "you don't have to come and see me", "would you like to see someone else", "i don't need your (employer's name) money". Then on the other hand she says "If your work stops funding you, you can still come and see me, and I will bulk bill you (means, I don't have to pay, medicare pays for it). Then right after last appointment she says "you don't have to come and see me", she then says she has concerns about me, and would like to see me the next week and then make it fornightly appointments. (This is said in the same appointment) I so do not understand what she is going on about. But it is really making me feel like crap. She has also said going to hospital would not help me.

I am so confused, what she is going on about???

[Cherrypie]

Hi Shrinknightmare, I am sorry things have been difficult lately.

I have a brother like yours incidentally and what might seem like harmless fun can have quite an effect on self esteem I think. My brother used to tease me about my weight constantly and I think because you love and trust your family it can be very hurtful..especially if other family members join in just for fun! What I will say is that I have come to realise that there are few perfect people in the world and as we all know even the most beautiful models have their own physical and mental issues to contend with. Maybe you are not a model and neither am I but I would like to think there is more to us than that.. Its about just making the best of what we have got I think.. Looking at it positively you did say average so you are better looking than a lot of others! :) I know it sounds a bit cheesy saying whats inside counts but as I get older I realise more and more that is so very true...

I am sorry that you feel no one helped you get to the competition but I would urge you not to be beaten (so to speak) as it sounds like this is something you are good at and do enjoy. I hope you can think up other ways of getting there next time or considering learning to drive yourself if you don't already.. People can be rude and it is upsetting when life has already been so cruel but I try to think well who knows what is going on in their lives too and maybe we should just feel sorry for them! Relying on others didn't work so perhaps lets look at alternative plan for the next competition! Please don't give up something you enjoy..

As for counsellors blowing hot an cold.. Hmm.. I have experienced this too and found it confusing. I actually think its because they are sometimes conflicted themselves.. I have a suspicion that actually your counsellor does like you and does want to help and is probably more than happy to see you every week but she also has to respect your autonomy. This seems a big issue in the counselling world and what it means is that I respect your right to be self governing.. I am here to help but you are free to come and free to go..

The client/therapist relationship is unique.. I am not your mother or father. I am not a partner, friend or your boss. I have found personally that I quite like to feel wanted and so for me sometimes this approach can feel like the counsellor couldn't care less.(I want them to want to see me every week and say so!! Oh and miss me preferably!!) but actually I think your counsellor does care but like when she told you its up to you how often you come she is saying you have a choice and I want you to make your own choices.. If you think about it, it makes sense as she allowing you your freedom and not trapping you in the relationship but I agree that it can be confusing. Personally I have spent a lot of time letting other people make my choices or asking everyone else opinion or making sure they get what they want and not looking after me.. So nevermind what she wants, she is there for you, more importantly what do you want from counselling and often would you like to go etc??

I know recently you changed your appointment to less frequently so I am just also thinking maybe she is concerned that you are not finding her so helpful so she is basically saying.. whilst you are welcome to stay..its ok too if you want to go..

Sorry I have gone on a bit about me too..I really hope things feel brighter soon. You have had an awful experience and its not suprising that you have been feeling as low as you have..

:hug:

Cherrypie

[shrinknightmare]

actually I can drive, but driving for 5 hours one way, and then doing it all again after the competition is too much, I nearly fell asleep at the wheel last time i did it.

I meant to say that I am below average in the looks department.

[Katmandu40]

I have found that when my therapist has confused or upset me in some way, I talk to her about it and it usually gets straightened out! Tell your therapist what you've told us here and see what she says about it. Tell her how she is confusing you with the different things she is saying and it's upsetting to you. It can be difficult to do, but it can also be very rewarding!!

There are a lot of shallow jerks in the world...hard to avoid them sometimes. It really is true...what's inside is what matters. I'm no model either and I have trouble fitting in. In my case, the trouble fitting in is MY problem...it's how I perceive things not so much how I'm perceived.

[Cherrypie]

How are you feeling today shrinknightmare?

I think katmandu had a really good idea and I wonder how you would feel about being honest with your counsellor about how you feel?

I must admit when I saw your reply to my post I was wondering if I had offended you somehow with anything I had said? I do hope not but your brief reply concerned me and if you have found anything I have said unhelpful do feel free to say so..

cherrypie

[shrinknightmare]

No Cherrypie (I feel funny calling someone that) you didn';t offend me.

I suppose I said most of it in my first post, so didn;t have much more to say other than to clarify a few points.

My husband actually called her and left a message on Thursday, but she never rang him back. I am glad about that, as that would be so embarassing.

My birthday coming up soon (whoopee do da).

I really hate when you read stuff on the net and people go on about their dog or cat dying (I have full sympathy for them there), and then say go on to say that it is worse than a human. I find it no way compares to a human, especially a close one.

I am ok today, went for a motorbike ride with some friends.

[Cherrypie]

How do you think I feel calling you a nightmare!! ;)

It is odd..You can call me Cherry if that feels a bit more normal!!

Well I am so glad I checked with you because I was off in my head catastrophising as I do have a tendancy to do...

I hope you can do something nice for your birthday.. I know it cannot be easy when you are feeling so low but I think having a reason to celebrate is a good thing. You deserve to have a nice day.

Have you read something about someones pet dying then? I understand why you feel that way after having experienced such a terrible loss yourself. I would generally have to agree that although a pet dying can be very traumatic it seems not to be appropriate to compare it to the enormity of a childs death. I would understand completely why you would hate someone saying that.

I think loss is so personal though isn't it. Perhaps some people do feel just as attached to their pet as a person? Perhaps this is more poignant for childless people or for people that struggle with human attachments? Maybe in their minds it really is worse if a pet dies as they have not much regard for other human beings or maybe not the life experience of losing an important human attachment? It feels a little bit sad..but then maybe not for them?? I don't quite understand it myself either..

Motorbike ride sounds a great way to spend the day..its good to hear you are spending time with friends doing something you obviously enjoy..maybe you should be bikerchick instead of shrinknightmare?

xcherrypie

[shrinknightmare]

Went and saw her today, and my hubby rang her up. I am still confused, she now says that she told my work that she expected to be seeing me for 2 years!!! She also mentioned she only mentioned spacing appointments out due to my work boss complaining about me going so often. I have no problems with spacing appointments out. She Still does not make any sense to me at all. She said that I was going really well. Still asked whether I was going to have a baby or not. I even answered her question before she fully asked it.

[Cherrypie]

Initially 2 years may seem a long time but if you feel its helping its sounds good to me that you are being offered that amount of time as a possibility..especially if this is a free service through work..

Most importantly though...forget the moany boss and forget the counsellor.. Are you finding it helpful? And if you are then how long and how frequently would you like to keep going for?

I truly hope you can get what you need from it and make it work for you!

Cherrypiex

[shrinknightmare]

I have decided next time she says "You don't have to see me", "I don't need the money from your employer, (that one really hurt) " , "do you want to see someone else" etc. I am going to ask her what she means by it, throw the ball back in her court.

I actually answered her question after she just said "Have you .............." just knew what it was going to be, and I was right. Might apologise for answering question before it is asked.

I have one thing that I enjoy that keeps me going, and my husband is trying to stop me from doing it, I told him he was pushing me to the edge.

[Cherrypie]

I am glad you have decided to try and just ask your T outright what she means.. I do think in this kind of very honest exchange in therapy we can learn a lot. She may not have meant what you felt she was impling or she may have made an error and may apologise? Either way I think you will feel better for having been really honest with how she has made you feel. Its difficult to do sometimes as in life people can tend to hold on to difficult feelings.. if someone offends us we may choose to just ignore them or bite our lip but I think in therapy this is the place to say.. Do you know what..when you just said that you really hurt my feelings.. or you really pi**ed me off.. I think in this space that is ok..and more than that it may be really helpful..

What do you really love doing shrinknightmare? Why is your husband getting in the way? I wonder does he know how much it means to you?

xCherrypie