Endings

[Fluffy Flowers]

I know Jenny made a thread about endings but this is slightly different.

I'm facing losing my therapist. I've had three others in the past and never had a proper ending because normally its gone arse over tit.

Can anyone tell me about the endings they have had?

Or if you are a therapist, how you do endings?

I'm trying to work out if I should just up and off or see it through even though I can't tolerate endings at all.

[Old Wolf]

Hi Fluffy Flowers,
I've just read your post and it leaves me wondering - is it possible that previous periods of therapy have not had proper closure because you have sabotaged them rather than face a "normal" ending? You say you "can't tolerate endings at all." This suggests that this is a very important issue for you and one you would do well to explore with your therapist while you can. To "just up and off" as you put it is just running away from an issue which will continue to plague you in life until such time as you pluck up the courage to face it properly. In a way this is why good endings are so valuable - they throw into the light of day issues which may have been avoided for a long time.
I may have totally misread things here and if I have you should ignore this and I apologise. If I haven't , then I sincerely hope you can find the courage to bring this up with your therapist - in the long term it could bring great benefits.
Old Wolf

[IndieSoul]

Hi Fluffy :)

Ugh, I too cannot handle ending therapy, at least not at this point. I picture my therapist opening the door, smiling at me, and leading me back to her office, and it makes me feel secure and loved. I think of leaving her someday, and I cry a little. So I know how you feel - endings really suck, don't they?

I agree with Old Wolf - I think it would really benefit you to bring this up in therapy. Seeing it through will help you work through this, so that it doesn't become a bigger problem. I really hope you are someday able to bring this up, and work through it so that you can be comfortable with endings when the time comes.

Sending hugs to you :hug: :hug: I really hope it goes well for you.

Indie

[Fluffy Flowers]

Yes, it is completely running away and opting out, but then they quite openly acknowledge that I'm very avoidant, and this is what that is.

Other times the therapy ended instantaneously, not due to avoiding a planned ending. One ended apparently due to the therapist realising she had crossed boundaries with me and tring to backtrack and funnily enough, I reacted badly to that and blocked her out. The other was more recent and that was due to again, circumstances that led to me blocking her out and there was no planned ended in sight.

I will tell my therapist that if it becomes clear an ending is necessary that I won't go down that route. I can't see why I would and why any benefit could come from it.

How do you therapist guys do 'endings' with your clients? Is there a specific way to do it? A specific format? Or is it solely dependent on the client?

[andyhp]

I can't give a definitive answer of how I do endings or how clients have done endings or how we have done endings. I believe there are as many different ways of ending as there are clients and in the ending there can be reflected the relationship we have had. Hence as there are no two relationships that have been the same there have been no two endings the same.

Bearing in mind that the relationship can be reflected in the ending and that no two are ever the same I will try in a simplistic and flawed way to 'sum up' some types of ending I have experienced.

I have 'noticed' endings that have been business like, almost matter of fact. It may be that a client came and used therapy in a very Eganesque way, the therapist was a 'consultant' and when the consultation had resulted in the results that the client wanted then the consultant was no longer 'required'.

I have experienced endings that have been the 'opposite' to the above and very emotional.

I have been surprised at some endings. I had expected business like and it became emotional. The opposite also applies. I have been surprised that our views of the relationship we have had have been very different. I have experienced endings that have been both business like and emotional.

I have experienced endings where the client has wanted certainty that this is the right decision...what if something happens...and endings where the client has been certain that this is right. Of course there have been many shades in between this black and white picture!

I think it was Irving Yalom who called therapy a 'drama' and while the 'final act' in the drama/play will I believe always be the ending this has had more significance for some than for others...for me endings have so often been 'done for me' what if I control this one?...I've avoided painful endings in many ways, what if I don't avoid this one?...I so often have ended by devaluing what I'm losing, that way it won't hurt so much to lose it, can I do it differently this time and face the loss and pain?...can I accept doing this without having to feel certain?

There was a psychodynamic writer who said they believed that after therapy the therapist should be no more important to the client than a piece of waste paper and should symbolically be thrown away. I have no problem with that. I have no preference for one type of ending over another just as I have no preference for one relationship over another. Perhaps that's not totally true...I am human (that's a 'cop out', it's me I'm speaking for not 'humanity'!). I like endings when 'it' has been successful and I like the appreciation that I often get for that. Stuff for me to look at!

I've talked a lot..I'll end now...very business like!

[Fluffy Flowers]

Thanks andy :)

[Jenny]

Hi Fluffy

I read your initial post above but have to admit that I haven't read the replies since, so sorry if I repeat anything.

I just really wanted to say that I really hear and feel the confusion and hurt that endings bring for you. I can relate, in fact I've never had a good ending with a therapist as I run away at the thought of an ending! But my thinking head tells me that working through an ending could be a good thing.. really difficult, but maybe giving yourself a different experience would help?

Hope you're able to speak with your therapist about how you're feeling and i hope that it goes well for you. I'm thinking of you

Jenny x

[Fluffy Flowers]

This may sound like a stupid question, but what is it that makes a planned ending better/ok/worth doing?

From where I am standing it feels like its going to be a long grief, to be honest, which doesn't overly appeal.

[Jenny]

I guess, and this is just my thinking...

Either way you're going to be grieving.. whether you have a planned/good ending or run away it's going to hurt. I guess the idea of this ideal planned ending (whatever this is.. i'm not talking from experience here!) is that it enables you to talk through the feelings that arise due to the ending.. work through it and maybe think of what progress has been made and what you can do if things go tits up in the future.

I'm thinking that running away from endings is familiar to you (well it is to me anyway).. that feeling of running away then regretting it.. to me, it adds another thing to hate myself for. It adds another 'see, there you go'. I know for me running away doesn't help and to be honest i'm not sure whether a planned ending would be any better but maybe it's worth a shot? From the sounds of it there's not much to lose by trying?

[Cherrypie]

Hi Fluffy.. I too can be avoidant. I certainly avoid endings. I hate them. I make jokes or I dissapear early, anything but face a square goodbye.. I am only sharing this because its you..

I knew that when I ended with my counsellor recently I had to see it through. I was scared and felt highly resistant as I had been very attached and I really didn't feel 'ready' to go. I too couldn't understand why I had to do some drawn out grief process.

I had heard of good endings in therapy, read of them, been taught the importance of them and yet still felt that for me they were rather probably not really necessary, over rated. I reasoned whats the point, it just hurts,why am I doing this slow death of an end, talking about ending when I could just not turn up one day instead. Who would know if I just didn't go? I could just make my excuses..hide under a duvet and hope for the best maybe. Well my therapist would know but more importantly of course I would always know.

Importantly to me, as a trainee, I also realised that I simply could not ask a future client to face what I have avoided so despite a great pull to do otherwise that was my main personal motivation and kept me putting one foot in front of the other. I felt I could do it, almost had to do it, however hard it would be because it was not for me. I spoke to some people who had never had therapy and they just could not understand why I was going through this ending process if I was finding it so hard.. 'Just don't go' they said..Sounded rational..tempting even.. Yes cherrypie, you are even paying for this pain so just don't go..but I knew, I just knew I had to..

I also felt too that I owed a great deal to my therapist as I could feel ending was important to him. I wanted to give something back in what had often felt a one sided relationship. Give him what he needed to walk away from me. In fact in our last session I started with 'so what do you need from me here? I need to know you have covered all that you need to' Of course I was helping me too but it didn't feel like it in the moment. It felt difficult and painful. I know this will sound dramatic but the thought of going to the final session felt a little like attendng a funeral (our relationships death?) not something I ever personally want to do but something I knew deep down I would regret if I missed it..

I did find it hard but my experience was that the lead up and thought of it was much, much worse than the reality. No one died, and although there was of course sadness in fact we laughed too. So was there a point to ending well? Well I think there really is. I would urge you to see it through if you feel that you can. I know for some its not an easy task but I for one am glad I pushed through and ended 'well'. It was not easy at the time but afterwards there was a feeling of rightness..completeness. I miss him but I have a certain peace that I was not expecting.

I felt I had honoured our long relationship and I had honoured my therapist and maybe too in staying and ending it was a kind of gift (? running away with myself here maybe!) but I had thanked him for all the hard work he had put into helping me for so long. There were a few little things I could have said or done differently in the final session but there is no precise way to do it, no prescription that I had kind of hoped for to take away my anxiety of what we would do or say but we filled the time well. It was good enough and certainly the best I could do under the circumstances.

Sorry if I have gone on Fluffy. Please do know I am not saying in any way this is what you SHOULD do. This was simply my experience. Its just that I feel now after my experience that I can honestly recommend seeing through to a complete ending. Not just because the tutor told me or the book said it but because I have done it and I still feel it. I beleive it does have great value and I feel less afraid of facing future endings knowning I surivived this very difficult one but this is your life and your choices and you need to do what feels right for YOU! That may change moment to moment.

I am sure we all would support you in whatever you finally choose. I agree with Jenny..its a little of the devil and the deep blue sea! Certainly neither an easy option.

Love

Cherrypie x

[Old Wolf]

Hi Cherrypie,
That was a beautiful and honest answer - thank you for sharing it here.
OW

[IndieSoul]

I agree with Old Wolf - that was a beautiful answer, one I could really relate to. I don't know when my relationship with my therapist will end, and I don't really want to think about it either. I just hope it ends in honesty and with closure to both of us. Thank you for sharing with us Cherrypie :) :hug:

[Fluffy Flowers]

Cherrypie, thank you. You didn't run on yours was exactly the kind of response I was after, and I'm really glad it bought you peace and it was better than you thought it would be. Thank you for being so honest.

Reading your reply, I think, made me aware of why I'm just not into having an ending. And I think that answer is because this ending, if it happened, will be forced on me and not my choice and certainly not what I want. So I'm rejecting it, I think.

Not sure how I got that from your post but it came to me halfway through, so thank you.

[shrinknightmare]

First counsellor got burnt out but she told she was leaving 4 weeks prior. I gave her a little present and a card sent through the mail. So that was my way of saying thanx and good bye even though i saw her again before she left. It was very hard and I still miss her heaps.

I was then sent to another counsellor at the same place who had a different approach and I ended up in a bucket of tears whilst in the session, and she got frustrated at me for not being able to answer her long winded questions that I didn't understand. She got mad at me for not wiping the tears off my face. The next day I cancelled all further appointments with her.

I am now seeing a shrink weekly, and she is ok, and she is not as good as the first, but almost. Also has a great sense of humour. Although I try not to I seem to get attached to the counsellor. But I think when I am finished with her it won't feel as bad as the first counsellor. This shrink seems to tear up sometimes when I am talking, not sure what that is about.

The first counsellor actually went on leave for 12 months and has come back. I could make contact with her, but I don't want to get reattached if you get what I mean. She is only an email away, as she is a workplace counsellor.