More about what I want from therapy

[Tam]

Andyhp's thread is apposite - just when I come back here to post more questions, there's a thread on the same topic! Sorry for not answering there, but I'm hoping to get some feedback on my specific situation so hope that's ok.

Fluff, in response to another post of mine, gave a really good suggestion of writing out what I think I want from therapy and emailing it to several therapists with the idea of getting a feel for whether a specific therapist could help me. I'm going to post what I've written so far below, and would appreciate any comments anyone might have about it. Essentially I need to know whether a) it makes sense! and b) is this something that can be had in therapy, or am I on a hiding to nothing?

The problem

I can’t have what I feel (and to a lesser degree, think). That is, I can’t experience my own feelings and thoughts as ok and correct. I am always automatically observing, monitoring, judging them - ‘that means something bad about me’.

I have no inner certainty or truth, no sense of ok self from which to operate. My core sense/experience of self is bad and seems to be composed of powerfully negative feelings - self blame, shame, unimportance, worthlessness, wrongness, guilt - together with pain and (probably) rage. All overlaid with immense fear. This intolerable core has translated into an unacceptable-to-me belief - ‘I am utterly bad in a fundamentally morally bad way, and therefore everything I feel (and think) is bad/morally wrong.’

It is not possible to live with this sort of internal belief in conscious awareness, so I have spent most of my life shut down on and controlling/judging what I feel.

I now think that the way to undo that core ‘anti-me’ is to be able to truly experience what I feel as ok (the experience being - this is what I feel and no matter what anyone says about its being bad and wrong and incorrect and inappropriate, it’s what I feel and therefore true and correct, valid, good and totally appropriate, even if it’s a really bad negative feeling.)

My sense is that I need to feel and express everything that I feel (everything that I am), all the trivial, bad, unacceptable, petty, mean, spiteful, nasty, selfish, me me me feelings (and thoughts), in order to own them, in order to experience them as ok, acceptable, correct - but I can’t do this on my own because of the anti-me set up in my head. I also cannot deal on my own with the fear that arises if I do try and let myself just feel whatever is there. I am looking for active permission to feel.

I see therapy as being a place where I can be encouraged and helped to express everything I feel, to talk my feelings, to describe what/how I feel to someone sympathetic and caring who wants to know what I’m feeling in any given moment. This I hope would a) spontaneously bring up feelings despite my attempts to control them; b) help me with the intense fear that arises whenever a feeling surfaces; c) give me an external perspective by experiencing my self (my feelings) through someone else’s caring and empathic eyes as real and valid and mattering - so that I can start caring about me and matter to me and be sympathetic to myself.

What I’m looking for in a therapist.

Someone who is able to enter actively and empathically into my world, see things sympathetically through my eyes, be openly on my side.

Someone who can make me experience not only that what I express is taken seriously and understood, but also that it matters to the therapist … some kind of feedback that allows me to recognize that the therapist is in some way affected by what I’m feeling (empathy, intuition, caring, giving, openness etc) but that the therapist remain strong and not requiring emotional giving from me - allowing me to not be responsible for how I’m making the therapist feel - perfect parent in other words!

To convince me that the therapist believes that I am fundamentally lovable and good no matter what I feel, and the goal is for me to eventually believe the same about myself.

It’s also important to me that the therapist can create a clearly defined structure to the sessions with simple goals, and that the therapist be willing to take control and direct the therapy to meet these goals.


Gosh, that's taken up a lot of space! Sorry it's so long, but I really hope someone can give me some useful comments about it.

Thanks

Tam

[Tam]

I've shortened above post a bit to make it maybe easier to read. Want to point out that I'm not looking for counselling or therapy here, just whether what I've written actually makes sense and whether it's the sort of stuff therapists are likely to understand.

Sorry it's so long. Maybe I'm asking too much of people here.

It's also making me feel pretty vulnerable and exposed having this sort of stuff waving about in public, so maybe I shouldn't have posted it.

Will see I suppose.

[Katmandu40]

Your post was hard to read only because we have some similar issues, but I did want to give you some feedback. I don't think what you are looking for in a therapist is unreasonable, but it might be better if you weren't so rigid with what you want. A therapist may have a different way of seeing your problem and may have a different way of working with you. It is important for a therapist to be objective at times when we might feel we want them completely on our side. Finding a therapist isn't an easy task,...you have to find someone you "click" with...someone you feel you can trust and if you trust them, you may have to trust that their way of working with you might be different but effective.

Hope this helps.

[Tam]

Hello Katmandu40,

Thanks so much for your reply. (It's made me feel a bit less insecure about having posted.)

Also, what you say makes sense - I am being quite rigid, or at least that's how it comes across so I expect that's what the poor therapist would be getting hit with too!

But importantly, your comment about a therapist's having a different way of working is something I'm going to have to be a lot more open to I think. I guess I've just ended up being this 'demanding' because of numerous failed therapy attempts before where I've done exactly that - had no real knowledge of what I needed and trusted the therapist to know what to do. (That's my defence anyway!) So trust, as you rightly point out - is a major issue.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply, it does help and I appreciate it.

Tam

[Katmandu40]

:) Glad I could help! Hope you find someone you can feel comfortable working with!!